Category Archives: My Life

Broken Places, Part 1

broken-mirror001I’m a survivor of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

For over four decades, I struggled to find a way to live my life looking like I was doing great. And most of the time I did that successfully. I was the executive producer of the longest-running conservative talk show in one of the top five markets in the country. I had a comfortable savings account and traveled when and where I wanted. I was the eldest of a large clan of siblings–none of whom had the slightest idea of the emotional minefield I was tiptoeing through every single hour of every single day.

 

Broken places.

 

I had plenty of them…and I just didn’t know HOW or WHERE to get help, I didn’t know how to ASK for help.

 

But I did. Everyday. In my prayers. I prayed the shortest prayer in history:

 

“Dear God, HELP!!!!! Amen.”

 

 

The dark times and my addictions kept me hidden from most people. I was privileged to have a job that allowed me to work from anywhere in the world as long as I had an internet connection. There were weeks when I didn’t see another human being–even loved ones I was connected to.

 

Because of the narrowness of my world, I kept giving everyone around me the ol’ heave ho, and things continued closing in on me until I was living almost constantly in survival mode – emotionally and physically. I felt ashamed and guilty. In my eyes, I was a failure, unworthy to be alive. No matter who my famous friends were or how great my job was or how awesome my family was, I simply wanted to die.

Broken places.

 

                                 I knew I was broken.

 

                                                                               Really broken. 

                                         And I didn’t believe I was fixable.

 

 

I’d tried EVERYTHING over the years.Multiple residential drug treatment programs. Residential eating disorder units. I think I single-handedly supported the families of at least a couple of therapists/counselors over a period of years.

 

 At the end, right before I entered intensive trauma treatment, I was pretty clear on the fact that something was horribly wrong with me and that I was in deep, deep trouble.

 

Little did I know that God was about to answer my prayer.

(to be continued…)

 

 

Facing Fear

fear

Well, here goes (gulp). My first official blog post, on my first official blog. Who’da thunk it?

With my book coming out soon – my publisher and writer friends tell me that I need to be more active on social media. Hence, the blog. And let’s face it – this blogging thing is quite the hit nowadays. So, here I am!

But it never fails that seconds after I think about writing this blog, my anxiety explodes like fireworks on the Fourth of July. Ok, well maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but I DO feel dread. And cold fear. And that’s no exaggeration!

Truth: I grapple with fears about my writing. 

I’m a former hermit who valued privacy and solitude above all else for the majority of my 50+ years, and today I’m pulling back the drapes, throwing open the windows and letting you see who I am. So yeah, today’s significant for me.

Today I am ready to own my message and tell you I have important things to say.

I invite you to listen in because I believe the things I’ve learned are significant. We all share the same struggles. If God can coax a middle-aged (but pretty darned cute) self-avowed hermit into the world of social media, imagine what He can do for you.

This moment has been a long time coming, and I fought it with everything I had–especially for the last four years of my life.

The Pointer Sisters said it better and with more soul than I ever could; today I’m officially coming out–I’m coming out of hiding.

If you don’t know me personally, allow me to leave you with a glimpse of who I am:

  • Above all, I’m a Christ follower. When I say that, I mean I have on-going daily conversations with Jesus (God), and pretty much every decision I make happens only after I’ve spoken – then listened (or tried to listen) – to God. Cover to cover, I believe what the Bible says, even the parts I may not like or fully understand.
  •  I’m honored to be the daughter of some of the best people I know — my amazing parents. They made me the very grateful eldest sibling to eight of the most amazing humans walking the planet. My nieces and nephews (over 20 of them now) have taught me many things over the years – but mostly how to love like I never knew I could.
  • Grandparents. One of God’s biggest blessings is the relationship between grandparents and their grandchildren. I had THE best grandfathers EVER, and my grandmother is still a beautiful, sweet woman who is finally letting people wait on her a little bit now that she is 90. I want to be like her when I grow up — to have her grace and her energy!

Today I’m inviting YOU to join me on my journey. I want to share life-changing (and at times, fun) things with you, and I am excited to learn valuable things from you too!

I have a question for you… and if you would be so kind and answer the two questions as honestly as you can. Comment only on the subject matter please.  Please put your answer below

As I mentioned earlier, I struggle with fear regarding my writing (and other things too). What’s one thing you find yourself struggling with? And how do you handle your fears?

Thanks for your patience as this blog takes shape. And thanks for stopping by! I’m hoping you come back often.