Tag Archives: PTSD

Broken Places, Part 1

broken-mirror001I’m a survivor of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

For over four decades, I struggled to find a way to live my life looking like I was doing great. And most of the time I did that successfully. I was the executive producer of the longest-running conservative talk show in one of the top five markets in the country. I had a comfortable savings account and traveled when and where I wanted. I was the eldest of a large clan of siblings–none of whom had the slightest idea of the emotional minefield I was tiptoeing through every single hour of every single day.

 

Broken places.

 

I had plenty of them…and I just didn’t know HOW or WHERE to get help, I didn’t know how to ASK for help.

 

But I did. Everyday. In my prayers. I prayed the shortest prayer in history:

 

“Dear God, HELP!!!!! Amen.”

 

 

The dark times and my addictions kept me hidden from most people. I was privileged to have a job that allowed me to work from anywhere in the world as long as I had an internet connection. There were weeks when I didn’t see another human being–even loved ones I was connected to.

 

Because of the narrowness of my world, I kept giving everyone around me the ol’ heave ho, and things continued closing in on me until I was living almost constantly in survival mode – emotionally and physically. I felt ashamed and guilty. In my eyes, I was a failure, unworthy to be alive. No matter who my famous friends were or how great my job was or how awesome my family was, I simply wanted to die.

Broken places.

 

                                 I knew I was broken.

 

                                                                               Really broken. 

                                         And I didn’t believe I was fixable.

 

 

I’d tried EVERYTHING over the years.Multiple residential drug treatment programs. Residential eating disorder units. I think I single-handedly supported the families of at least a couple of therapists/counselors over a period of years.

 

 At the end, right before I entered intensive trauma treatment, I was pretty clear on the fact that something was horribly wrong with me and that I was in deep, deep trouble.

 

Little did I know that God was about to answer my prayer.

(to be continued…)